Diz
08-24-2010, 02:34 PM
Just dropping in to say hi and leave you with a funny ... I hope to be back in the near future. Life has been in turmoil for me for about a year and a half (this joke being an indication of part of the turmoil), but it's starting to settle down now.
*ABOUT THE WRITER** **
**Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald*.
*Colonoscopy Journal:*
*I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.*
*A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of
the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at
one point passing briefly through ** **Minneapolis.*
*Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.** *
* ** **
**I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000
FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'** *
**I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
fall into the hands of America's enemies.** *
**I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.**
* ** **
**Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my** **preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that
day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically** **water, only
with less flavor.*
**Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-liter** **plastic jug, then you fill it with
lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter
is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This
takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a
hint of lemon.** *
**The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery
bowel movement may result.'** *
**This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you
may experience contact with the ground.** *
**MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty
much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times
when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally
empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as
far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.** *
**After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.** *
*
**The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.** *
*
**At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I
went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put
on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the
kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than
when you are actually naked..** *
*
**Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
their MoviPrep. ** ** **At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got
yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn
your house.** *
*
**When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did
not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.** *
* ** **
**Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.** *
*
**There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song
was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the
songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing
Queen' had to be the least appropriate.** *
*
**'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.**
*
**'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly
what it was like.** *
*
**I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow
mood.** *
* ** **
**Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over,
and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been
prouder of an internal organ.** *
*
**On the subject of Colonoscopies...** ** **Colonoscopies are no joke,
but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A
physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:** *
*
**1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!'*
* *
**2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'** *
*
**3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'** *
*
**4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'** *
*
**5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'** *
*
**6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'** *
*
**7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'** *
*
**8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'** *
*
**9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'** *
*
**10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'** *
*
**11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'** *
*
**12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'** *
*
** And the best one of all:** **
**13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
up there?'***
*ABOUT THE WRITER** **
**Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald*.
*Colonoscopy Journal:*
*I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.*
*A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of
the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at
one point passing briefly through ** **Minneapolis.*
*Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.** *
* ** **
**I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000
FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'** *
**I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
fall into the hands of America's enemies.** *
**I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.**
* ** **
**Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my** **preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that
day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically** **water, only
with less flavor.*
**Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-liter** **plastic jug, then you fill it with
lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter
is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This
takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a
hint of lemon.** *
**The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery
bowel movement may result.'** *
**This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you
may experience contact with the ground.** *
**MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty
much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times
when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally
empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as
far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.** *
**After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.** *
*
**The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.** *
*
**At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I
went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put
on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the
kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than
when you are actually naked..** *
*
**Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
their MoviPrep. ** ** **At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got
yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn
your house.** *
*
**When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did
not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.** *
* ** **
**Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.** *
*
**There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song
was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the
songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing
Queen' had to be the least appropriate.** *
*
**'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.**
*
**'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly
what it was like.** *
*
**I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow
mood.** *
* ** **
**Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over,
and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been
prouder of an internal organ.** *
*
**On the subject of Colonoscopies...** ** **Colonoscopies are no joke,
but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A
physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:** *
*
**1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!'*
* *
**2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'** *
*
**3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'** *
*
**4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'** *
*
**5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'** *
*
**6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'** *
*
**7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'** *
*
**8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'** *
*
**9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'** *
*
**10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'** *
*
**11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'** *
*
**12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'** *
*
** And the best one of all:** **
**13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
up there?'***